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SERIES SEVEN Series Seven
To the sadhak who was the dentist at the Sri Aurobindo Ashram during the 1930s and then served from 1938 to 1950 as one of Sri Aurobindo's personal attendants.¹
To talk of surrender is easy, very easy indeed. To think of surrender in all its complexity is not so easy, it is not so easy at all. But to achieve even the beginning of a genuine surrender of self -- oh, how difficult it is, Mother! There are many things wrong with me, I know. But there must be something fundamentally wrong. What is it, Mother? Nothing special to you. It is the same difficulty that exists for all human beings: the pride and blindness of the physical mind. 8 July 1935 * There is an old Hindu belief that one should not lie down or sleep with one's head towards the North. Has it got any real significance, Mother? Many things have been said on the subject but, as far as my own experience goes, I do not attach much importance to that belief. 24 March 1936 * A prayer: “O Lord, awaken my entire being that it may be for Thee the needed instrument, the perfect servant.” 27 March 1936 * ¹This correspondence was written entirely in English. Page – 205 Has X spoken to you about some influence of Saturn he has found in my horoscope? I forgot to ask you about it on my birthday. Yes, he spoke to me about it. But you must know that yoga frees us from subjection to the horoscope; the horoscope expresses the position one has in relation with the material world, but by the sadhana we get free from the slavery to that world. 14 September 1936 * I know that the work I get nowadays is often very slight. But I submit reports about it because once you expressed a desire that I should do so. Yes, I like to receive the book from you. It helps to keep the contact materially. 5 December 1936 * I am getting tired of taking and taking, and giving nothing in return. It is almost indecent. But, then, I do not know what I can do unless it is to pray to you to deliver me from myself. From your mother you can always take, it is quite natural, especially when things are given to you full-heartedly and am I not your mother who loves you? 3 January 1937 * Will you say to your cousin that I know only one way out of all troubles and difficulties; it is entire self-giving and consecration to the Divine. 13 November 1937 * Page – 206 What a letter you have written to Y, Mother! You will turn my head some day, if it is not turned already! But, I know, it is only to give her confidence. No, I always mean what I say. Love and blessings to my dear child. 4 May 1938 * Eternal Mother, I have sunk very low in my consciousness and you seem farther away than ever. You are the Infinite Mother of all your creation and many are your children. But your Grace is our sole refuge and to whom shall we turn but to you for our protection? But may your Grace now intervene in a more overt form so that my earthly eyes can see and understand somewhat of its working in spite of the dull and heavy veil which lies thick upon them. And may your Grace open up fully the lotus of my heart so that I may be blessed with a vision of your soul-captivating Presence in the full glory of its enrap- turing beauty and goodness and sweetness, so that all my impurities be washed out, and restlessness of the mind and stormy uprisings of passions laid at rest. I commend my soul to your keeping. Yet I feel you much closer to me and I see in you an opening that was never there before. It seems to me that soon you will discover, behind the apparent dryness of the surface, the always burning flame of a conscious Love. Blessings. 4 July 1938 * Z has told me that you have received complaints against Page – 207 me for hurting people's feelings. I know that it is only the weak who complain. The strong never do because they can't be hurt. So I never attach much importance to complaints. Love and blessings to my dear child. 9 October 1938 * (In his notebook the sadhak drew a simple pencil sketch of a foot extended to touch a lotus.) Please excuse me for spoiling the book with this very crude offering. Nothing to excuse, all is in the spirit of the offering. Love and blessings to my dear child. 14 October 1938 * Has the psychic flame any correspondence to the Vedic Agni? They seem to have more or less the same leading qualities. Yes, these are two names for the same thing. Love and blessings to my dear child. 20 October 1938 * Lead me to thy own home in Truth, Mother. I offer thee my will of progressive submission and increasing adoration. The way is opened, my dear child, and I am waiting for you with my arms wide to receive and enfold you affectionately with my love and blessings. 22 October 1938 * Page – 208 Life of my life, I also want to come to you; for, in your arms alone will I have peace and joy and Ananda and the true truth and fulfilment of my life and being. But still, O my Shining Light, the way is not clear to me. And how shall I be ever able to climb to your dizzying heights with the heavy chains of a mortal's nature pulling at my feet? Let me carry you in my arms and the climbing will become easy. Love and blessings to my dear child. 25 October 1938 * How shall I ever repay you for your exquisite act of Love, Mother? How did you know it was the inmost desire of my heart? You are very, very adorable and very, very kind to your little child who loves you and is happy. My very dear child, live in my love, feel it, be filled with it and be happy – nothing can please me more than that. Most affectionately. 28 October 1938 * I am your child first and last and this work has no other value for me except that through it I can serve your will, except that through it I can grow to be a better and truer child to you, O my beloved Mother. Yes, you are my child and it is true that of all things it is the most important. Dear child, I am always with you and my love and blessings never leave you. 31 October 1938 * Page – 209 On my last birthday, your parting words to me were: “Keep your faith.” I am still wondering what exactly you meant, dear Mother. What kind of faith would you like me to aspire for? Faith in the Divine's Grace and its power to transform you. Love and blessings to my dear child. 4 November 1938 * Dear, dear, dear Mother, Every day you are growing more and more lovable and more and more adorable to me. By what divine Mystery do you cast this sweet spell on us?
The only mystery, the only spell is my love my love which is spread over my children and calls down upon them the Divine's Grace to help and to protect. 6 November 1938 * You send me your love and blessings every day of late, dear Mother, and in rare blessed moments I do sense that we are always surrounded by your love. But as for a real response, my heart does seem to be made of stone; otherwise, why should it refuse to open itself to such a love? Nothing can resist the steady action of love. It melts all resistances and triumphs over all difficulties Love and blessings to my dear child. 9 November 1938 * I know your love and blessings are always with me and Page – 210 I sometimes wish you had not been so invariably kind and gracious to me. For it makes it still more hard for me to tell you that there are difficulties of my nature which make it difficult for me to accept you and your Yoga in the requisite spirit. And without this, what is discipleship? It is not as a Guru that I love and bless, it is as the Mother who asks nothing in return for what she gives. 9 July 1939 * Mataji, It was very sweet of you to tell me that yours was the love of the Mother who does not ask for anything in return. That is all right for you, for yours is a self- fulfilled life. But I have yet to achieve everything, yet to satisfy my human existence. I have yet to know my soul and my Self, to know and love the Divine Godhead and fulfil Her in my life and to know the worlds, if it is Her Will that I should do so. But above all, I must have the Darshan of the World-Mother, Adya Shakti Mahakali. She will know what is best for me. Then how can I do without a Guru who will lead me to Her Feet? I do not see anybody in the world more qualified than Sri Aurobindo to lead you to the feet of the Mahashakti. With my love and blessings. 16 July 1939 * My dear child, Your good and kind letter has made me happy. Last night, in silence, I told you, “To arrive at that to which you aspire, the way is Love and the goal too is Love” – is it not the best answer to your letter? Page - 211 the best answer to your letter? With my love and blessings. 17 July 1939 * There happen to be bad sons now and then, but a bad mother never. But what a joy and love it is when both mother and son are good! My love and blessings to my dear (good) child. 27 July 1939 * I know you mean well, but to be good, truly good, may be possible only for those who have gone beyond all egoism. But if my Mother chooses to see only the good in her child, that only speaks of the goodness of the Mother's heart. My child's heart is filled with love and light from the Divine; let them shine throughout your whole being and the clouds, if any, will soon disappear. Love and blessings to my dear child. 28 July 1939 * (The sadhak received a jar of pickles from the Mother.) You overwhelm me with your love, dear Mother. I know I do not deserve one iota of the kindness you show to me. What shall I say to you, you whose very nature is an overwhelming divine love? Your love itself is a priceless gift. Why then these other gifts? There is a great joy in giving; there is a still greater joy in pleasing those we love and when you will eat the pickles you may Page – 212 remember me and think, Mother loves me Love and blessings to my dear child. 6 August 1939 * Dear, dear, dear Mother, I send you heaps and heaps of love. In the lotus of my heart may I have your lotus feet permanently installed on a throne of love. My dear loving child, Your heart is quite a sweet place because of your lovelet me remain always there so that I may fill your whole being with light and love and joy. My love and blessings. 8 August 1939 * O Devi, O Mother! In the secret recesses of my heart's chamber I have always been aware of an instinctive belief that you are an Avatar of the Divine Mother whom I adore, but whom I know not except by Her lotus-feet. That is the reason why my eyes seek Her in your lotus-feet, and my heart yearns to press them to itself knowing them as its sole refuge.
My dear, dear child, let the Light of a conscious certitude and the joy of an everlasting Presence be always with you concretely in the sweetness of love divine. 10 August 1939 * Will you kindly tell me, dear Mother, if you love me truly and genuinely in spite of my poor humanity or is it all an experiment? I feel ashamed to pose such a Page – 213 question to you, but I hear the word “experiment” used so often and in such a variety of ways that I feel frightened and would like to hear from you personally if you are not merely experimenting with us? Praying to be excused. My dear child, Well – the best thing you could do is not to listen to what people say; it would save you from many falls of consciousness. This afternoon when I looked at you in silence I told you, “Be faithful to your love.” I suppose this is a sufficient answer and you do not expect me to justify my love in front of the foolish ignorance of such interpretations. Whether you believe or doubt, my love and blessings are with you. 12 August 1939 * Dear Mother, I apologise humbly for my query yesterday and pray to be forgiven for my stupidity. O! How could I question your love, you who are the soul of truth and love and goodness? My dear child, I knew that it was a passing mood and that you would soon come out of it but let this love and this truth be your shield and protect you against the intrusion of any force of falsehood. My love and blessings will lead you to the goal. 13 August 1939 * My very dear child, If only you could keep always your inner happiness, it would please me immensely and help you very much on the way. My love and blessings to you, dear child. 17 August 1939 * Page – 214 Your love for me is my true refuge and sole strength. What I offer you, my Mother, is a turbid mixture of which I am ashamed but which you alone can purify. My very dear child, Whatever is the nature of the offering, when it is made with sincerity it always contains a spark of divine light which can grow into a full sun and illuminate the whole being. You can be sure of my love, you can be sure of my help, and our blessings are always with you. 19 August 1939 * How extremely lovable you are, dear Mama! Is there anyone like you in the whole world? love. Love, love, love to my very dear child; all the joy, all the light, all the peace of the divine love and also my loving blessings. 20 August 1939 * Dearest Mama, I have returned the pot of pickles but I still have the pickles, and whenever I see them I remember you and say to myself, “The Mother loves me.” On the crest of a great wave of love the gift came to me and I felt the presence of the ocean which projected that wave. With that pot in hand when you called me, do you know of whom I was thinking? I was thinking of Kali standing before me ready to give a boon! In fact, I was invok- ing Her and there you were with the pot of pickles and an ocean of Love! Such is your play, dear playful Mother!
Indeed, that day I had heard you distinctly calling me and I Page – 215 wanted to answer very concretely to your call My love and blessings to my very dear child. 24 August 1939 * You were asking me this morning what was the matter with me. It is the same old thing, but nonetheless dis- tressing. It is civil war, a conflict between two different tendencies and ideals, a pull from two different types of leadership, the Deva type and the saint type (not in the western sense), a war on all fronts, the mental, the vital and the physical. But I am deeply sensible of your kindness, my Mother, and grateful too.
There is no contradiction that cannot be solved and harmonised in a synthesis if you rise high enough in the intuitive mind and yours is not at all irreducible. I am sure that one day you will find this out. My love and blessings. 27 August 1939 * Life of my life! My own sweetest Mama! Accept my love and forgive me my lapses as you have been doing for so many years. I expect these moods will come and go. But may I never lose sight of your luminous smiling face through all these passing clouds! My very dear child, I truly hope you will soon be out of all your troubles. Just one good jump to the higher consciousness where all problems are solved and you will get rid of your difficulties. I never feel that I am forgiving. Love does not forgive, it understands and cures. My love and blessings always. 28 August 1939 * Page – 216 Let divine love be your goal. Let pure love be your way. Be always true to your love and all difficulties will be conquered. Love and blessings to my dear child. 9 September 1939 * My dear loving Mother, In my birthday book Sri Aurobindo has written, “Rise into the higher Consciousness, let its light control and transform the nature.” Some time back you wrote to me, “One good jump to the higher consciousness where all problems are solved and you will get rid of your difficulties.” Now what exactly is this higher consciousness and how may I rise or jump into it? And again you have said, “Let divine love be your goal. Let pure love be your way. Be always true to your love and all difficulties will be conquered.” Is this higher con- sciousness the same thing as a state of pure love and, if so, how would it be related to a state of higher knowledge? The higher Consciousness is a state of pure love but it is also a state of pure openness to divine knowledge. There is no opposition there between these two kindred things; it is the mind that makes them separate. The best way to get to it is to refuse all mental agitation when it comes, also all vital desires and turmoils, and to keep the mind and heart turned as constantly as possible towards the Divine. The love for the Divine is the strongest force for doing this. My love and blessings. 19 October 1939 * Page – 217 Beloved! Why did the Mother choose this frail vessel for Her abode? I know that so long as She chooses to make her abode here, sooner or later poor me will have to abdicate in favour of Her Imperial Majesty and till that day comes there will be no rest for poor me.
My dear child, So, the best thing to do is to abdicate at once and to get rest, peace and joy. When you have to get rid of an obstinate resistance, you must not make more delay than when you have to pull out a bad tooth. Inside, outside and everywhere is the help of the Mother with her love and blessings. 28 October 1939 * Dear Mother, Your love for poor me is still my lodestar and I am grateful. My dear child, My love wants to lead you to the goal and it is bound to succeed. With my blessings. 29 March 1940 * Dear Mother, I thank you very much for all your kindness and compassion and solicitude and love which I do not deserve. And yet, although I feel a personal tie with you which I expect is psychic, I still do not feel that I want this Yoga very badly. I still do not feel about this ideal the way I used to feel for the old ideal of liberation. The Page – 218 path, the ideal you represent, your values still leave me very cold.I still do not feel at home here. I do not know what I should do. And time waits for no one. Please excuse me, but I feel tired of having to wage a constant war against my whole outer being. And, anyway, it seems too late now to begin at the beginning and teach myself to ask for a new ideal, the realisation of which seems none too near.
That which the Divine has destined for each of us that will be. My love and blessings to my dear child. 29 June 1940 * Your answer to my letter of July 22, which you kindly meant to reassure me, did not reassure me¹ Why is that so, Mother? Perhaps you do not approve of my tone; perhaps you are dissatisfied with my disability; possibly you are getting tired of me altogether. If so, I would not be surprised, I would not blame you. For I am myself tired of the problem called me. If it is not going to make any difference to your love and kindness, as you assure me it won't, I would rather like to keep this sum of money and to keep up this arrangement. But if you do mind, kindly tell me so in words which I can understand and I will drop it. So please rest assured that I can drop this scheme if it displeases you. My dear child, It does not displease me in the least. If I did not answer to what you wrote about it the other day, it is because I did not attach much importance to it. My sentence meant simply that ¹The sadhak asked if he could accept money sent to him by relatives. The Mother answered: “My dear child, you can be sure of my love and blessings.” Page – 219 my love is capable of understanding and that my blessings do not depend on such surface movements. I can add today that I am not at all tired of the “problem called me” and that I remain convinced that it will be solved successfully. With my love and blessings. 25 July 1940 * My dear child, Whenever you require spiritual help I am always there to give you that help under whatever form it can take. With my love and blessings. 9 September 1941 * My dear child, Let this year bring you the power to smile in all circumstances. For, a smile acts upon difficulties as the sun upon the clouds disperses them. With my love and blessings. 9 September 1942 * My dear child, here is the programme for this year: Unify your whole being around your highest consciousness and do not let your mind work at random. Doubt is not a sport to indulge in with impunity: it is a poison which drop by drop corrodes the soul. With my love and blessings. 9 September 1943 * The Divine's Grace is there open your door and welcome it. With my love and blessings. 9 September 1944 * Page – 220 |